Jealousy, what does it tell you?
Before my Polyamory journey, if you had asked me what my biggest concern would be about being in a poly relationship. Like most people, I would say jealousy. Now granted i do have other problems as well, but the main one would be jealousy. In most Western societies, monogamy is the status quo. We have been taught that there is only one person that is made for you in this world, and that it is completely impossible- and frowned upon- to have more than one lover at a time. We are taught that you cannot be committed to more than one person romantically at a time. This has created a culture where the “green‑eyed monster”—jealousy, as Shakespeare described in Othello, has been villainized.
Although there are many cultures throughout the world that practice different forms of non-monogamy. Polygyny- when a man can have multiple wives, which is still practiced in Uganda, Saudi Arabia, and Malaysia. Or Polyandry- when a woman can have multiple husbands, which is still practiced in Tibet and the Himalayas. Most people wince at the thought of sharing another person, let alone a lover, with another woman or man. We see images of these happy Poly couples taking pictures, holding hands, making babies and couldn't even imagine being able to participate in this relationship style without being jealous. After all, how can you just get rid of an emotion?
As a newcomer to polyamory, before deciding to date, I had spent a lot of time reflecting on the situations that have and would make me jealous. I remember feeling insecure when someone I liked chose another person—whether they seemed prettier, more confident, or smarter. Combined with my upbringing, this left me with shaky self‑esteem. At 27, when I committed to exploring polyamory, I realized one of my greatest challenges would be to figure out how I would handle jealousy. And after 2 years of research and practice-yikes- I came up with three ways to manage my jealousy: Acknowledge, Observe, and advocate.
Acknowledge
Whether it’s Monogamy or Polyamory, or any other type of alternative relationship, emotions are inevitable- jealousy is inevitable. after listening to different stories from people, both new and experienced in Polyamory. I realized that the idea of trying to get rid of my jealousy completely or even feeling bad about being jealous was a bit stupid. Celeste, did you just call yourself stupid? No, although I must admit that during my recent struggle with jealousy, I did have a shame for having the feeling. I am not calling myself stupid, but I am calling on the idea of not getting jealous or having any other “negative” emotion stupid. Jealousy is the fear of losing what we value to someone else. It often blends insecurity, comparison, and desire into a feeling that can distort perception and behavior. All of this to say, jealousy is an emotion. I had to learn that, at the root, like all my other emotions, my jealousy was just telling me something. It is there to provide me with important information about myself. It tells me where my boundaries, desires, and needs are.
Observe
Happiness, sadness, anger, and jealousy. What are these? Are you probably thinking? Celeste, their emotions. I would say yes, they are indeed emotions, but they are more than just that. They are sources of information. I saw a video a few years back. I don't quite remember where or by who, but it was on social media. It was the first time that I had ever heard of the concept that your negative emotions are just feedback. Then after that I started hearing it everywhere, in books, and at the Buddhist temple that I had started going to. This new perspective really had me thinking about the way that I handled my emotions. More specifically, how I handled my negative emotions, like anger, sadness, and jealousy. So, as I listened to different advice podcasts, I began to imagine myself in those scenarios. How would I feel if my partner or potential partner left me to be with another person after only spending 5 hours with me? Or how would I feel seeing pictures of someone spending time with my partner or potential partner? I had to shift my perspective. and really figure out what the actual problem would be in those scenarios? I started asking myself the following:
Is the thing that’s making me jealous of something I really want? For example, a potential partner takes their partner on a date. I sit to think about what I want. This could be a simple, yes, or no answer. But I've noticed that it’s usually more complicated than that. It could be a yes, but or a no, but answer instead. “Yes, I want to go on a date with this person, but I don't want to do the same activity,” or “No, I don't want to go on a date with this person, but I want to spend time with them”. This will definitely vary. But once you have your answer, you can answer the next question.
Why do I want it? Why do you want to go on a date with this person? Obvious answers would be because “I like them,” or “I enjoy spending time with them,” or I'm curious about them.” So, the answers are normally just about connecting or being with that person. Of course, each answer varies because of each person.
What else am I feeling? Are there other emotions that are mixed into the feeling of jealousy? I know that mine had jealousy, anger, abandonment, and sadness. Each initial emotion is just that. And initial emotions. It's important to be able to put a name on each emotion you feel. This can take time, depending on how often you sit with your emotions. This can be very uncomfortable, especially if you are used to ignoring your emotions. I recommend practicing. When feeling an emotion, sit with it. Allow yourself to really feel the emotion. But be careful not to take any actions that you will regret. I recommend doing this when you are at home or journaling, taking time to reflect on the emotions you’ve felt throughout the day. Asking yourself why until you get to the root response can be very helpful.
Is this touching on an insecurity or my trauma? Now this is another one where it could be dual. I know for me, my sense of abandonment is both an insecurity for me and a form of trauma. It is important to be able to understand this because they are often intertwined. And I highly recommend either a therapist to help you with this, if you can afford one, a trusted friend, or a mentor.
Does it come across as my issue, or as something caused by them? And is it something I need to work on, or something that they need to work on? I want to make this very clear. You are responsible for your own emotions and actions; you cannot control other people. But what you can do is if someone's actions have made you feel a certain way, then you can communicate those actions when you are able to do so in a productive manner. So that the person is aware that their behavior has caused you harm. And, like most of the things in this list, both can be true at the same time. It can be both something they need to work on and something you need to work on.
Advocate it.
Advocate, advocate, advocate, advocate. This is very important. As a person who struggles with self-advocation, I realized that this would be my biggest hurdle. I want to emphasize once again. You are responsible for your own emotions and actions; you cannot control other people. Self-advocacy is not a blame game. It is communicating to find a resolution. It is not you versus them. This is not their fault, and they have to fix it. It is still your responsibility to manage your triggers and reactions. I know that someone's behavior can cause me to feel abandoned, but it is my responsibility to work on my issue, and it is also my responsibility to inform them of the action that hurts me. A person who cares will not dismiss your feelings; they will listen and take accountability. Just like you should take accountability if your emotions cause you to react in an unproductive way. I use the word unproductive, because some people believe yelling is productive; I personally do not believe that it is. It is okay to let your partner, potential partner, or someone that you like know that you are feeling jealous, just do not expect them to cure your jealousy. They may be able to help soothe it, but you will need to learn how to soothe it as well. And that will take time.
Jealousy is an emotion like any other emotion. The only thing that makes it “bad” is the actions we take after feeling the emotion. Even then, it is okay to apologize for a reaction and not apologize for the emotion, especially if the action has caused some break in the connection. We won't always get it right, and that’s okay; it is the repair process that matters. Whether it's jealousy, anger, anxiousness, or even happiness, if someone ever tries to make you feel bad for having emotions, then they are being shitty. Whether you are monogamous or non-monogamous, single or in a relationship, acknowledging, observing, and advocating for your emotions is a great way to not only build intimacy with the people around you but also build intimacy with yourself.
