Non-Monogamy: Polyamory?
Non-Monogamy, or Ethical Non-monogamy (ENM), is any relationship structure that is outside of a one-to-one exclusive partnership. You’ve most likely heard of different forms of non-monogamous relationships, like open relationships, swingers, polygamy, and my current realm of exploration, polyamory. This article will specifically focus on the world of polyamory as seen through the eyes of a poly newbie. Quick note, my personal belief is that non-monogamy should be ethical without having to label it as such. In the same way that we do not label monogamous relationships as Ethical Monogamy, I will not be referencing ethical non-monogamy as ethical non-monogamy in any of my writings regarding my experience through this journey. So now that we have that understanding, let's begin. Polyamory has gained a lot of traction in the last few years. And like the other forms of non-monogamy, it is seen in a negative light by those who do not practice it. But Celeste, what is Polyamory? Well, my fellow curious Kittens. Polyamory is a form of non-monogamy where practicing parties engage in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. I already know what you’re thinking, sounds like it's all just about sex? Honestly, I would say that it depends on the people involved, but the majority of the Poly people that I have met do it for the deep, fulfilling, and unique connections that come with each relationship.
The top two most importantaspects regarding these relationships are that: 1) All parties are honest about their needs. And 2) that all parties understand and consent to the arrangements. Each person has their own reasons for practicing, and each person, like in monogamy, decides how they want to build their relationship structures; what they're looking for from their relationships, whether it be marriage, non- marriage, handfasting, cohabitation, etc. Non-monogamy does not have a relationship model like monogamy does. You know that whole, you meet a person, you date, you get married, move in together, have kids, yadda, yadda, yadda. In non-monogamy, there are instances where people will either escalate or de-escalate a relationship, and this can go from friends becoming friends with benefits, or people who are dating de-escalating to only being friends or strangers. Options may vary. And just like any healthy adult relationship dynamic, each person must have or be willing to improve the following skills: communication, emotional intelligence, and self-awareness. I'm currently working on all three of these skills. It's hard and sucks, btw. Yes, I just said BTW. There are more imperative skills that I believe are needed, but these three sum up the skills neatly. That being said, each of these things is not easy to do; they are also not easy to do with multiple people. Most people can’t even do it with one person, let alone with themselves. The world of polyamory is far from cut and dry; I've noticed that this relationship structure is also a subculture that has its own language to describe it, such as:
Hierarchical polyamory: This is a ranked type of polyamory; commonly used terms include "primary" and "secondary" to describe partners.
Kitchen table polyamory: In this style, all partners and their metamours are comfortable spending time together; everyone knows each other, has met, and regularly socializes as a group. This approach differs from Garden Party Polyamory, where metamours might only meet occasionally or during special celebrations.
Non-hierarchical polyamory: There is no ranking among partners.
Polyfidelity: A closed group of people who are all romantically involved with each other. Unlike a polycule, members do not date outside the group.
Quads: Four people in a relationship.
Triads: Three people in a relationship.
Other commonly used terms:
Anchor partner: A central figure in one’s life, providing stability and support. Often used in non-hierarchical relationships to refer to someone like a primary partner in hierarchical setups.
Compersion: Feeling happiness for your partner’s joy, normally used when referencing your partner’s other relationship; considered the opposite of jealousy.
Hinge: The shared partner between two people in a polycule, acting as the connection point.
Metamour: Your partner’s partner (not romantically involved with you); often shortened to meta.
Nesting partner: The partner you live with, usually your primary or anchor partner.
NRE (New Relationship Energy): The excitement and giddiness at the beginning of a new relationship, often caused by brain chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin.
What Relationship is for Me?
My relationship history isn’t exactly an exciting story that you would find on your grandmother's soap operas, and I’m not embarrassed to admit that my dating experience is little to none, my ideas about what love is, and my own insecurities made me a Perpetual monogamist. Perpetual Monogamy is when someone moves quickly from one relationship to the next, rarely spending time single. A more common phrase would be i was a type of relationship hopper. I don’t blame my younger self for jumping from relationship to relationship, then settling into a seven-year marriage that ended in a divorce. Before you go thinking that I was a wild free lover, I am and was the opposite. I didn’t have much relationship experience, just two in high school and two out of high school. The two experiences after high school taught me a lot and helped me figure out what I needed and gave me a good understanding of what I didn’t want. So, here’s to my exes and a special shoutout to my younger self. If it weren’t for them and all those experiences, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. It was during COVID that I first seriously considered switching to non-monogamy.
I’d thought about polyamory before—just passing curiosities here and there. But as someone who struggles with anxious attachment and hyper-fixation (thanks, ADHD and trauma), I didn’t think that it was something I could try or was capable of. During my marriage, I had asked my ex-husband if he would consider being in a poly relationship. He said it wasn’t for him, and so I didn’t bring it back up. In 2022, while separated, I started catching up on Red Table Talk on Facebook. That’s when I first saw the episode Is Polyamory for You? Which aired in April 2021. Hearing different perspectives, I realized we’re taught there’s only one way to love and anything else is “wrong.” Seeing people, and especially people of color, openly discuss polyamory inspired me to learn more. That episode made me decide that if my marriage didn’t work out, I’d explore polyamory.
As I gave my marriage another try, I continued to research polyamory—what it is, how it works, and what the pros and cons could be. I found a polyamory-friendly therapist to help me through the transition and to sort out my trauma. I started listening to “the non-monogamy help podcast” with Lola Phoenix, watched YouTube videos about polyamory, and let my algorithm do the rest. I had to really think about how I viewed relationships—what shaped my relationships? What did I want versus what the world said I should want? Would I even be able to do it? Like most people, I’ve wanted to pursue more than one person at a time but felt pressured to choose only one. But why couldn’t I choose both? Society says I can’t. Monogamy is the default, and anything different is looked down on or shunned.
During that first year of separation, I focused on healing my attachment style and figuring out what I wanted in relationships. I started to see how I have multiple unique friendships—so why couldn’t I have multiple romantic partners, each offering something special? The answer: I’d never seen an example of it. I convinced myself it wasn’t possible. But after listening to different media, I realized not only is it possible for others, but it could be possible for me too. So, I began figuring out what my anchor- the reason I wanted to be a polyamorist-was.
Polyamory: Solo What?
We all handle relationships differently- this is an important thing to consider when deciding how you want to structure your relationships. My default way of handling relationships is to just jump in without thinking. I’m the classic headfirst, crash-and-burn, feelings-get-hurt, anxious people-pleasing type. I know it sounds harsh, but that is the truth; it’s how I learned how to handle relationships. After my marriage ended, I realized that my default approach wasn’t working—and if I was going to try polyamory, I needed to get clear on my basics: What do I want? What relationship style fits me—hierarchy or non-hierarchy? Do I want to build toward nesting, remarrying, or something else entirely? What is my intention? These are important questions for anyone dating, but they’re essential when you’re navigating a relationship style that has no “pre-determined” road map.
I genuinely believe people, no matter their relationship structure, need to build healthy connections that work for them. If everyone is committed to learning and growing—together and individually—the relationship can thrive. The best advice I got during my research was to find my anchor—the reason why I, Celeste, want to be polyamorous. Most resources focus on couples opening their relationships, but for those of us doing solo polyamory- An autonomic lifestyle is intentionally prioritized, while having multiple romantic relationships, it’s just as important to reflect on your own “why”—because this journey can and will get rough, especially when you’re doing it solo.
During my first year of being single, I rediscovered my independence—even with social anxiety. I love going out, trying new things, or just staying with my fur babies, playing video games, and reading books. Yes, I got lonely, but I spent a lot of time with my friends. For the first time in 26 years, I only had to take care of myself—and I loved it. One big reason I chose solo polyamory is to be “selfish” in the best way: as a lifelong giver, I wanted to focus on myself and my goals, not tie my life to someone else (at least, not right now). Maybe I’ll feel different in the future, but for now, I want my independence and still be able to embrace my hopeless romantic nature.
The second reason that I chose polyamory was that I wanted to build my own community. I had realized that I was missing out on having a community. In a world where we praise people for being “I” focused, we forget that humans are meant to be “we”. In a world full of fast internet and video calling, I felt very alone, unnoticed, and uncared for. I still do time-to-time, but it has gotten better, and I am actively still working on it. After talking to my first new poly friend, who has been practicing solo polyamory for a while, about his network, he had created a community that worked for him, full of people who love and care for him in a multitude of ways. We’re different people, and I may never create a community as intricate as his, but I truly love and appreciate how he set up his extended family. That’s what I want to build—a community of people who love and support each other.
Non-monogamy has been around for a very long time, and after reflecting on my marriage and what I want out of life, I decided to explore alternative relationships. Here’s what I realized: 1) I can have multiple lovers just like I have multiple friends, 2) right now, I don’t want to remarry or merge my life with someone else—my commitment to myself comes first, and 3) I want to create my own community, because humans need connection and I get to decide who’s in my circle. My solo poly journey is just getting started, and let me tell you—it’s a whirlwind of challenges and surprises. Some things are harder than I expected, while others have surprised me in good ways. No matter what, I’m choosing this path, and I’m excited to see who I become as I keep walking it.
These are the main resources that I use for my journey.
Podcast: Non-Monogamy Help by Lola Phoenix
Lola offers advice for those transitioning into polyamory or anyone seeking support. Listening to this podcast gave me exposure to a variety of stories and helped establish the foundation for my journey. Lola frequently discusses the importance of finding your “anchor,” which is also featured on their website. I’m currently trying to get their book, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy.
Polyamory & Open Relationship Advice - Non-Monogamy Help
Polyamory & Open Relationship Advice - Non-Monogamy Help
Podcast: Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships from Pleasure Podcast
This show is hosted by a triad and explores a wide range of relationship styles. I highly recommend it for anyone, regardless of how they approach relationships. Although I’m only a few episodes in, it’s already been invaluable to my polyamory journey and has also helped me improve my relationships with friends and family.
Podcast — Podcast — Multiamory
The Ethical Slut: A guide to infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt.
This was recommended to me by not only my therapist, a lot of poly influencers and my friend. This book does come in the original version and an updated version; both are good. I will say that this is one of those books where i will have to read again later down the line to see if I get something different from it.
Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok
I also highly recommend using social media to follow poly influencers and poly groups. Be sure to understand that everyone does poly differently, and it is very personal, but I do encourage people to interact with others who are either new to the journey or have been in the lifestyle for a while. This will help humanize experiences. Trust me.
